Monday, February 29, 2016

Chit Chat: Where Have I Been?



Hi, guysss!!! Long time no write. Before I address my sudden drop off the face of the earth, I wanted to let you all know how much I've missed writing and interacting with all of you. Blogging had honestly become such an important part of my life. Not only did it allow me to express my creativity, it did something completely unexpected--it allowed me to make friends with so many of you and I can't express how much that has helped me get through this hard time in my life. I've still been holding down the fort over on Instagram and Twitter, but it just hasn't been the same...So without further ado, let's get into it, shall we?

Unfortunately, I had to take a few weeks off to regroup and get my personal life together. It was abrupt and unexpected, so there really was no planning in advance for something like this. If you follow me on any of my social media, you already know how hard it is for me to fully open up and let the entire world wide web know my personal business. However, after to talking to some of my amazing blogger friends privately, I realized how important it is that I let you guys in and see the real me. Because let's be real, behind all of these fabulous selfies, life isn't always as perfect as it may seem and if this can help someone through their hard times, I have no problem letting my guard down.

For the sake of not embarrassing anyone, I won't give too many specifics because this story doesn't just involve or affect me. It actually is something that has affected many people over the years. It is such a touchy subject that I don't know exactly where to start or how to go about this, but long story short, alcoholism destroyed my family. It broke down my family when I was very young and deep down I don't think I ever truly got over that. Growing up I faced all sorts of abuse--physical, mental, and verbal, but worst of all it instilled in me this overwhelming fear of abandonment. When someone is supposed to be there for you, but chooses not to be is not something I think a child can fully understand. Honestly, I don't know if any person with a good heart or conscience can really ever wrap their head around that one because it's just not the normal or right thing to do. But at the end of the day, I grew up and lived my life. I thought I was over it.

Needless to say, this person ended up back in my life. A lot of it had to do with my cousin reaching out to me and telling me this person had a serious illness and might not live very long, but part of it was because I needed my family. So despite all of our problems and all of the years spent not talking, reaching out felt like the right thing to do. Sadly, I realized over time that this person wasn't sick at all. It was just a story concocted to create sympathy and that alone put me on edge. Slowly but surely, the happy facade faded once more and I saw the alcoholic again. I witnessed someone so dear to me fall back into the darkness and lose themselves and nothing I said or did could change their ways. For months I tried to keep this person complacent by taking their mind off of whatever was triggering them and even by giving spiritual guidance, but to no avail.

It started off as angry outbursts here and there after a couple beers to disgusting, hateful remarks following a bottle of wine. From threats to condescending remarks to finally being told that I'll never hear from them again...I think it finally broke me. I would say I have fairly tough skin to most things now as I've gotten older, but to be abandoned by someone who has a duty to you for the second time is not something I was equipped for, though maybe I should have expected it. I am by no means perfect, however, I care a lot about people and I could never fathom how someone could abandon another person.

At this point, I'm just over dwelling on it and talking about it. There comes a point in life when we have to accept that certain things are completely out of our control and, when that is the case, we need to just let it go. I had to remind myself that holding all of that negative energy inside is doing more damage to me than that person's actions. I can only be accountable for myself. And if we're really being real here...reflection has taught me that there is truly beauty within the struggle as well. I have been so humbled over the past few weeks by the kindness of complete strangers and old friends that have seen me through this month. I am forever grateful to you guys.

As for what's to come on XOBeautyAddict.com...there will definitely be more content--reviews, tutorials, diys--you name it. I'm excited for everything that I have planned, but bare with me as I probably won't be able to post three days a week anymore with my new work schedule. I just hope this has answered your questions or helped anyone that is going through a rough patch. We all go through them, so let's just always remember to be there for one another. You never know what anyone is struggling with behind closed doors.


XO

2 comments:

  1. So glad your back and happy you are okay. I'm sorry to hear about the alcohol issue that has been an issue with my biological father. It destroyed my family. I hope your doing better now. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family. πŸ™πŸΌ❤️

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    1. Thank you, Marielli ❤ It's something my family has dealt with for years. I wouldn't wish this on anyone & no child should have to grow up like that. But on a positive note, it definitely taught me to be a lot stronger, that I can survive so much, & how to be grateful for what I have πŸ™ XO ❤

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